Matti Karel

April 1- A few good men?

I found out today that my last ex had cheated on me numerous times. It really shouldn't matter, but it does. I makes me feel cheap, and used, and dirty. I took a shower as soon as I got home and stil couldn't wash off the oily, crawling that has invaded my skin. Sure he was a piece of shit guy with an immaturity issue and severe drinking problem. He was verbally abusive and took too much and gave too little, though allowing myself to be used that way was partially my fault. I was blinded by the need to be with somone and he just happened to come along and intersect with my need. He used words the way that children do: put in purposely to make you feel guilty. After we broke up he did the whole threatening to kill himself thing, while he was sleeping with about seven random women in course of 3 weeks since our breakup. I am such a pathetic judge of character. Most people are lucky to be mistrusting at once, and me... well I trust until my heart is shattered and I have to once again pick up the pieces. I have become adept at feeling nothing towards men, despite my adoration for them, i find it hard to remain attracted to someone for longer than a span of weeks. Yet when i make a decision to be with someone, some perverse sense of loyalty takes over and I remain loyal and trusting until I realize there has been a gun in my face waiting to go off for weeks...and when I do feel something it is usually for somone who I will not risk ruining whatever connection we have, so it goes unsaid until eventually I cut ties to not make their lives worse with a constant admirer hanging in the eves. I am lucky to have met about 10 men, who are all my good friends, who actually have never betrayed my trust. I have found out recently that I was wrong about several people. It is so sad when you put someone you feel is deserving on a pedestal and they let you down. Not just due to the letdown itself, but for the fact that you find your judgement was off. It is a terrible thing when you can't trust yourself. I, who have always been self- reliant to the point of folly, think that is what hits the hardest. Not just the disappointment of finding out a friend is a not- friend but the hovering sense of "have i been wrong about everyone?" I really hope that previous statement is not true. In addition to this revelation about my judegment skills it has brought about a person from my own depths who I do not know. This woman is bitchy, and violent. She desires to cause destruction with both acts and words. She does not care who she hurts becasue the thought of hurting someone else is actually appealing to her. It frightens me that this woman has been livng inside me for a long time and until now has chosen to remain hidden, or at least hidden in a way that I was not aware that she seems to be separate from the rest of my everyday life. I think her name is Rage. You can only supress your feelings for so long before they get the better of you. Maybe her and I will sit down and have a chat. I could use a little more anger in my life at being walked over. I don't know any mind but my own, so this makes me wonder about the noramalicy of these writings.... fu*ck it. Since when have I cared about normal?

Posted at 11:23AM Jun 20, 2007 by Matti M Karel in Archives  |  Comments[2]